De aap die een banaan wilde pakken, uit Guido Weijers zijn oudejaarsconference, is een mooi voorbeeld van hoe het in het echte leven werkt. Het verhaal ging ongeveer als volgt:
Er zijn vier apen in een kooi. Eén van die apen wil een banaan pakken die boven aan een trap hangt. De aap kijkt ernaar en gaat recht op zijn doel af. Hop, trappetje op, daar gaat ie. Maar op datzelfde moment, werden alle apen nat gespetterd. Zie het als afstraffen voor het willen pakken van een banaan. Vervolgens wordt er een aap vervangen door een aap die nog niets van het nat spetteren afwist. De nieuwe aap ziet de lekkere banaan en loopt vervolgens de trap op. De andere apen, die het verhaal van het nat maken wel kenden, sturen de nieuwe aap al naar beneden voordat hij überhaupt nat gespetterd (afgestraft) zou kunnen worden. Waardoor de nieuwe aap dit gedrag ook aangeleerd kreeg, zonder ook maar enigszins kennis te hebben van de geschiedenis. Het gaat verder. De overige apen worden telkens om de beurt vervangen, het verhaal van de banaan blijft zich herhalen. Totdat! Er uiteindelijk geen aap meer in de kooi aanwezig is die het verhaal van het natspetteren kende. En? Wat denk je? Het nat spetteren gebeurde allang niet meer, maar het gedrag leefde wel voort onder de apen. Waarom? Omdat de geschiedenis, de ervaring, zich blijft herhalen totdat er eentje denkt: “Ik ga het anders doen!”. En dit is nou precies hét moment dat je het gedrag gaat doorbreken.
Wat ik met dit verhaal wil zeggen, is dat het bij ons net zo werkt. Als ik kijk naar mijn eigen familiegeschiedenis, de 2de WO, mijn opa was Joods en heeft zich vaak moeten verstoppen. Hij heeft waarschijnlijk veel pijn en leed meegemaakt. Ook ik heb namelijk mijn geschiedenis moeten uitpluizen om mijn eigen handelen te kunnen begrijpen. Zie het als uitzoeken van het ‘Waarom’ de apen niet meer de trap durven op te gaan om die ene lekkere banaan te pakken. Er zijn destijds verschillende gezinnen uit onze familie naar de vernietigingskampen meegenomen, die daarna nooit meer teruggekeerd zijn. Bij de ontdekking, werd ik stil van deze bevindingen… Het ging niet om één gezin maar om verschillende gezinnen binnen de familie van mijn opa’s vader en moeder. Ooms en tantes met kinderen die nooit meer terugkwamen. Complete gezinnen! Niet één gezin, maar echt meerdere. Mijn opa heeft veel meegemaakt, dat werd voor mij wel duidelijk, en daar ging hij niet altijd even handig mee om… door zijn pijnlijke geschiedenis heeft hij niet altijd de man en/of vader kunnen en willen zijn, die hij vermoedelijk diep van binnen wel was. Deze man was vermoedelijk in zijn ziel zwaar beschadigd…
Wat ik hier als kleindochter mee te maken heb? De oorlog is al járen afgelopen! Sophie, je blijft hangen in je geschiedenis. Nee, ik heb de geschiedenis uitgezocht om te leren begrijpen waarom ík de dingen doe zoals ík ze doe en om mijn kinderen minder angst mee te geven.
Mijn verlegenheid, waar ik in mijn eerdere blog ‘Mama durfde niet eens haar juf gedag te zeggen!?’, die tot mijn 18de zo overduidelijk aanwezig was, ‘Bang zijn’ om op te vallen, bang zijn om iets fout te doen… Want dan word je namelijk gezien. Gezien worden, betekent gevaar. Kans om afgestraft te worden. Maar is de kans groot dat ik afgestraft word in deze huidige tijd? Nee. Laat ik het zo zeggen, niet zo groot als met de 2de WO. Ik mocht als kind nooit naar de ‘Groest’, een bekende straat in Hilversum, omdat daar zogenaamd “alle” drugsdealers zaten. Dat betekende namelijk ‘Gevaar’. Ik kan je tot op heden vertellen dat ik nog geen drugsdealer ben tegengekomen. Ze zitten er wel, dat stond (en staat) namelijk zo nu en dan in de kranten. Maar ik ben er niet mee bezig. Maar toch, omdat mij dat verteld werd, ben ik toch altijd wel waakzaam op de ‘Groest’. Het is natuurlijk met alle goeie bedoelingen verteld. Je voedt je kinderen namelijk met alle goeie intenties op. Je neemt een aantal waarden en normen van je ouders mee, met daarbij alle ervaringen uit het leven. Mijn verlegenheid had alles met meegekregen angsten te maken. Ik kreeg als kind, heel logisch als je naar mijn familiegeschiedenis kijkt, het signaal door dat ik toch altijd wel moest waken. Je weet namelijk maar nooit…
Wat ik hiermee wil zeggen, is dat heel veel gedrag van onszelf op de kinderen overgaat. Dat kan generaties doorgaan. Als je gedrag van je kinderen ziet, is het dus altijd goed om te bedenken of je dit terug ziet bij jezelf of bij je partner. Tenminste, als je er iets mee wilt doen… Alle mooie eigenschappen mogen met trots behouden worden natuurlijk. Het gaat juist om die opvoedingsuitdagingen waar je tegenaan loopt. Dat is een mooi moment om een spiegel voor te houden. Als je weet waarom je de dingen doet zoals je ze doet, geeft dat begrip aan je eigen gedrag en uiteindelijk aan dat van je kind. Waardoor de spanning bij jezelf zal gaan verminderen en je liever zult zijn in het oordelen van je eigen gedrag. Als jij weet wat je doet, kun je gaan veranderen wat je weet. Wat de kinderen ons laten zien, is wat wij hen laten zien. Kinderen zijn onze ware spiegels. Wat je geeft, krijg je (vaak) terug. Zowel in negatieve zin, als wel in positieve zin.
Wil jij de uitdaging van het opvoeden van je kinderen aangaan? Weten waarom jij de dingen doet zoals je ze doet en wil jij de uitdagingen van het opvoeden van jouw kinderen, doorbreken?
Je bent altijd welkom! Is het niet nu, komt het wellicht wel later. Wanneer jij het aan wilt gaan!
Lieve groet,
Sophie
www.sojij.nl – coaching voor ouders
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