Het is jouw schuld!!
Als wij in conflict zijn met een ander geven we “graag” de ander de schuld. Eigenlijk ben je dan in conflict met jezelf. Zeg nou eens eerlijk, sta jij hier dagelijks bij stil?
In het verleden heb ik vaak gekeken naar wat de ander in mijn ogen verkeerd deed in situaties waarbij ik mij absoluut niet prettig bij voelde. De kunst is om te bekijken naar de situatie dat jou op dat moment nou zo triggert.
Bekijk de situatie eens vanuit jezelf. Wat maakt nou dat bepaalde momenten jou zo ontzettend hard kunnen raken? In een flits van een seconde kun jij, in je emotie, onbewust teruggeworpen worden naar een situatie uit het verleden die over hetzelfde thema gaat. Het terugwerpen naar je geschiedenis gebeurt echter onbewust, mits je ermee aan het werk gaat of wilt gaan. Dit vraag heel veel moed en eerlijkheid naar jezelf toe.
Kijk eens naar een situatie met je kind. Wat gebeurt er? Waar gaat het over? Wat roept deze situatie in jou op?
Wij willen als ouder, de liefste, de zachtste en de meest ideale ouder voor ons kind zijn. We zijn door onze geschiedenis geworden wie we zijn. Ik heb eens gelezen dat heel veel mensen hun geschiedenis niet eens zouden willen wijzigen. Juist door wat je meegemaakt hebt, maakt jou zo sterk en een prachtouder. Maar ja, soms zijn er momenten, waarbij je juist voorgenomen hebt om het anders te doen dan je eigen ouders, opeens heel fragiel. Want dat ene moment raakt net iets harder jouw stukje pijn uit je geschiedenis aan, dan het ander. Natuurlijk kun je zeggen: geweest is geweest. Zo werkt het helaas niet. Zolang jij je er onvoldoende bewust van bent, verandert er niets. Ja, je kunt je gedrag “even” aanpassen, maar je spiegelt je kind heel wat anders voor. Helaas zul je jezelf (weer) een keer tegenkomen. Maar weet je, dat geeft niet! Voor de één is dit inzicht zo gemaakt en voor sommigen kan het jaren duren. Al die tijd zul je vechten tegen dat ene. Om juist dat ene te willen veranderen, niet aan je kinderen te willen overdragen, zul je zelf de stap tot inzicht moeten en willen maken.
Ik ben ervaringsdeskundige (wat klinkt dat zwaar…)! Maar van het weekend werd ik zelf geconfronteerd met het feit dat mijn kind riep: “Ik wil niet meedoen met de wedstrijdgroep!”. Al pratend met haar, blijkt ze bang te zijn om fouten te maken. Ze heeft iets meer tijd nodig om de kennis eigen te maken, maar als ze het weet, dan weet ze het. Dat kan ik tegen haar zeggen, maar ze moet het zelf ervaren. Wat ik wel kan doen, naast het aanmoedigen, is zelf hierin het voorbeeld te zijn. Dus niet aan te praten of mee te praten, maar juist door aan míjn(!) gevoelens van ‘het maken van fouten’ heen te gaan! Ik ben als ouder hét voorbeeld voor mijn kind. Want voor je het weet, projecteer je je eigen gevoelens op je eigen kinderen.
Als ik kijk naar wat mijn kinderen durven, ben ik al trots op wat ik zelf bereikt heb! Zo verlegen dat ik was, tot verstoppend achter mijn moeder aan toe, zo trots ben ik op mijzelf dat ik veel overwonnen heb. Onze kinderen zijn namelijk onze spiegels. Mijn kinderen durven een spreekbeurt/een boekenbeurt te houden, voor een optreden op het podium te staan, enz. Elk jaar met mijn dansschool, ga ik samen met mijn dansgroep het podium weer op. Elk jaar voel ik de black-out opkomen. Tijdens de laatste danslessen komt dit gevoel al op. Ik probeer de anderen hier zo min mogelijk van te laten merken. Maar dit zijn voor mij de realistische keiharde werkmomenten.
Als ik naar mijn kinderen kijk, zie ik dat ik een hoop overwonnen heb. Het overwinnen van je eigen emoties, betekent het letterlijk aangaan en begrijpen waar deze gevoelens vandaan komen. En ja, dat betekent je geschiedenis durven te begrijpen en aan te kijken. Ieder doet dat op zijn eigen tempo.
Leer van je kinderen, dat is het grootste geschenk die je kunt krijgen.
Ik hou steeds meer van mijn gemaakte fouten en dat maakt het leven een stuk makkelijker en zachter voor mijzelf. Dit gun ik jullie ook!
Mooie dag vandaag!
Lieve groet,
Sophie
www.sojij.nl
PS. Tot eind deze december 2016 kun jij je aanmelden voor mijn aanbod: Voor een review, krijg jij 4 x coaching van mij. Zie voor meer info op de site!
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